You know, it is sad that the lesser of all evils seems to be that I just want to become addicted to some drug.  I feel like letting go and numbing everything might be more productive than the alternatives.  I seem so stuck and it is really getting old.

Every day comes closer to a self-imposed one-year deadline I set last year, and every day I see the spectacular failure of the things I set out to accomplish, and I wonder what the end game is.  I know my original was wrong.  But if it wasn’t, if I was as lost as I once feared, then this would be the strangest few weeks in the world.  Perhaps weird enough to even enlighten me to what I am looking for.

I guess we have to face the real question sooner or later.  What do I really want?  Why can I not seem to shake this feeling that everything sucks and nothing is worth it.  Hell, I am scared.  I know I am supposed to want God more than anything.  But maybe I really just want to not be alone (and for the millionth time I ask why those things seem to be mutually exclusive in my mind when in reality there is nothing further from the truth).  Maybe I have lost sight of the truth of what I supposed to be persevering for.  Maybe I no longer believe it.  Because that is what it feels like.  And if the thought of that didn’t terrify me so much, I would be terrified.

One day people will look back.  I can’t say I know the reason yet, but for one reason or another we always look back.  This will be one of those things they comment on.  It is amazing how something can be the thing you struggle and grow through, or it can be the thing that wrecked you.  I am not anywhere near strong enough to not get wrecked.  But with the last remnant of hope I cling to the promise that my God is infinitely powerful, and that he will bring to completion the work He started.  And it does feel like such a thin ray of hope some nights when everything else just seems so far away.  But it is enough.  It has to be.