Sometimes I come to realizations in my life that seem significant.  I then laugh because I assume everyone else doesn’t have to come up with these realizations, they are just common sense to them.  Nonetheless, the last few weeks, and especially few days, have been packed with them.

I have realized that I do not want to kill myself nor do I want to die (I mean, I can’t wait to be in Heaven, but it isn’t like I actively want to).  I realize many people may think this odd to ever be in question.  In truth I have felt for quite some time that if it weren’t a sin, and perseverance weren’t a proof of genuine faith, then I would have lept off a cliff (or something similar) a long time ago.  I also was never too upset at the thought of my car exploding or a tree falling on me or some such thing.  Perhaps this seems to be a casual admission of something quite frightening, but the point is that I know this is not actually the case.

I want to live, I just want to enjoy it more.  Just want to be happy.  I know the logical response is “then be happy with what you have.”  And this is valid.  Also there is, “We can’t control our circumstances a lot of the time, we can only control how we deal with them.”   Also true.  Both valid points.  I am not sure why it is so hard for me to deal with negative things.  I like my job when I am dealing with people, but I hate it when it gets stressful or unnecessarily complicated.  My life feels terrible when confronted by denial, loneliness, uncertainty, and so on.  I know I am not alone in feeling these things.  But for some reason I feel they are affecting me more than most people.  As Jarod Gorbel sings in one of his songs, “Why are you always depressed?  Does everything make you this stressed?  Why are you always drowning?  It’s the same sea that surrounds us?”  And I think to myself “Everyone deals with this, so why is it so bad for me?”  Is it just brain chemistry?  Am I just a downer.  I honestly do not know.

What I do know is that I want to be happy.  I realize that getting the girl or getting a better job, or getting a dog will not fix me.  It will not solve most of the inherent problems and sin that are keeping me down and truly upsetting me.  But sometimes, heck all the time, it would be nice to know that there is something waiting for you that can make you smile, make you forget, make all the crap seem not so bad, or seem worth it. 

I just want to be, as simple as it sounds and impossible as it seems to be, happy.