I agree
Angry Sun.
In the past two weeks I have pretty much had a close friendship end, see someone I chased for two years start dating someone else, and as I was dealing with this pretty well, I got word that we were putting my dog down. Needless to say I have felt pretty messed up emotionally. (For anyone who doesn’t know me well, just know that my dog is the only person in my life who I am convinced truly loved me unconditionally. To lose her is horrible.) But there is hope.
“Oh Lord, You know the pain in my heart right now. Lord, You know my struggle, my hurt, my sadness. And I know that You are in control. Even in the mire, I know I am blessed so far beyond what I deserve. Your Son is enough for me to never doubt Your love and mercy. God, even as they go I thank You for the vines You have grown up over me. It was Your grace that allowed these things to come into my life, to bring a smile to my face, to shield me from the elements. And God, it is Your loving providence that sends the worm to devour the vine as well. Lord, it hurts, but I trust you. I trust your grace and love for me. I trust that Your providence will continue to bless me and provide for me. And I know that even if no more vines grow, even if I am left exposed to the elements of pain and anguish, that You will sustain me; that by Your grace I will endure. Let Your Spirit fill me Lord. The same Spirit which raised Christ from the dead, let Him raise me up out of the mire and into the joy of Your mercy. Sustain me through this, O God, and let my love for you abound more and more. Amen.”
“But it is funny, because after Pat’s sermon I realized how often I prayed for God to change things with (this), or make it stop upsetting me and hurt so much. He did neither, but He sustained me. And now, a week after the realization, He made circumstances worse, made them hurt a whole lot more, but His love is still there holding me. It actually puts a sharper focus on how powerful His mercy is in endurance. I’m continually reminded of something Piper said in regards to the story of Lazarus in John: It is more loving for God to reveal Christ for who He is and how valuable He is that it is for God to keep us from pain and suffering; even death. And I know that, and am continually grateful for God’s grace and mercy in sustaining me.”
Things will always suck. Something will always be going wrong in one way or another. And occasionally things will get really bad, really bleak, really dark. And things will hurt. And things will make me sad. But God is always a sound foundation. And He has to be.
Imagine you are sprawled out on the ground, feeling like death. And you need to try and stand back up. Weak knees, weak will. And you begin to rise, just a bit. If that foundation under your feet sways even a little, you will end right back on your face. And you tremble and try to stand more, and stabilize. And again, you need that foundation to be solid. Because it takes a long time to stand tall again, but eventually you do have to stand up.
And the worse things get the more clearly we see Christ. The brighter that light shines. Now anyone who knows me knows that I hate suffering, and that right now sucks. But at the same time, there is a bright beacon of hope in things. And it would be stupid and counter-productive to ignore it. Suffering produces hope (with some steps in the middle). And God’s love is more pronounced in our appreciation of Christ even more than it is in His keeping us from suffering.
Everyone gets a good self-pitying drunk now and again, but that’s over. You stay sober and do what needs doing.
That is one of my favorite lines from a book, ever.
Also this old Irish saying: In life, there are only two things to worry about—
Either you are well or you are not well.
If you are well, there is nothing to worry about,
But if you are not well, there are only two things to worry about—
Either you will get well or you will die.
If you get well, there is nothing to worry about,
But if you die, there are only two things to worry about—
Either you will go to heaven or hell.
If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.
And if you go to hell, you’ll be so busy shaking hands with all your friends
You won’t have time to worry!
Ignoring the joke in the last line, that seems like sound advice.
I just hate it when things happen that suck. I mean, even when I go into something knowing it isn’t going to go well, it seems like one more surprise is waiting to kick me in the groin. (I like Michael Scott’s quote: it feels like somebody took my heart, and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears. And at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer. And then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone, and I am crying, and nobody can hear me, because I am terribly, terribly… terribly alone) But seriously, it is one of those things I knew was going to hurt, but I could, barely, keep from bleeding out. Then that last kick comes out of nowhere, surprises me, and hurts like hell. And it makes me unable to keep the other parts closed.
In truth it just kind of sucks. But at the same time I know God has His plan. And I do trust it. I asked Him to change the situation. It has gotten worse. I asked Him to keep it from hurting and affecting me. It hurts worse than ever. But still He is keeping me from falling away. And that foundation is more than enough to stand on, even if I do not feel particularly stable.
And in the end there really isn’t a lot I can do about it. I can only keep on. I took about 24 hours to wallow in self-pity, and I feel like that is more than fair. But it is time to get up, dust myself off, and keep doing things that need to get done. Either it will turn out okay, or it will suck and I will die and end up in Heaven, which is actually better anyways. No matter what, things cannot end badly for me. And the ending is really all that matters. Admittedly I would like the get there by living a life of joy and contentment. But if that doesn’t happen, it doesn’t really matter. I’ve got Him. That’s enough to get me through the day.
